My Promises To You

So as most of you well know by now, my significant other has a daughter. We’ll call her Bug. So Bug is spending her first weekend with us after an agreement that stated she wouldn’t meet either of her parent’s significant other’s for 6 months. And I really can’t express how much I love this little girl already. I don’t have any children of my own yet so I can’t truly know how much I love her in comparison to how much a parent loves their own flesh and blood; but I can say I would do anything for her. She is this little ball of perfect innocence and I would NEVER let anything harm her. It’s crazy to me how quickly I can love this little girl and how much. Knowing I was driving home from work to her and my significant other yesterday put this enormous smile on my face and getting to hold her while I cooked her dinner and taught her how to say “‘sghetti” was amazing. I love her so much. However, I’m pretty sure her mother has spent all weekend sick to her stomach thinking I’m going to try to replace her…

Now, I am not a fan of this woman. She has hurt my partner, done mean, horrible things that include putting her own feelings before what’s best for her child, and she’s physically assaulted my partner while their daughter was in his arms. That is just not okay with me. However, I would never try to replace her; nor could I, even if I wanted to. No one can take away the bond she has with this little girl and I would never want to. She carried her for 10 months, dreamed a world’s worth of dreams for her, and brought her into this world. She has loved her, nurtured her, cried for her, and fought for her. She is her mother. And no one can ever take that away. I will always respect that. I would never even consider trying to take that away. 

I wish she knew that. As someone who has always wanted children I can’t even begin to imagine the fear she experienced when her ex husband and I got together and actually stayed together. I can’t imagine all the dreams of hers that our union solidified were gone. I can’t imagine her fear of being replaced or having another woman in her daughter’s life. But replacing her was never my intention and it never will be. I would never want someone to do that to me and my child and would therefore never do that to another woman or her child. However, that does not change the fact that I love my partner and I love their little girl. It’s an inevitable fact that I will be a part of Bug’s life. The biggest wish I have for her is that when she’s in our home, she knows she is loved immensely and safe. I am not her mother. But I am her daddy’s partner and I will always love and protect her as if she was my own. I will never speak an ill word about her mother to her. I will never make her feel less than. I will never confuse her by selfishly attempting to make her call me mommy. To her, I am “Ashy” and that’s the way it’s meant to be. If I was ever to be in her mother’s position I would hope my ex would choose a woman like me. Someone who would love and protect my daughter. Someone who would never try to replace me or poison my child towards me. Someone who would reinforce the good morals and good self esteem I plan to teach her. Someone who would respect our bond and never try to infringe upon it. Someone who would raise her in one of two loving families and  reinforce the fact that she is loved unconditionally by every single person in her life, blood related or otherwise. 

Being a part of this little girl’s life is a privilege and a blessing. I would never do anything that could in any way negatively impact her. I would never hurt her or taint her. I will always do what’s best for her; even if it’s not what’s best for myself, my partner, or my relationship with her father. She will always come first. Her little voice and her giggles bring joy to my life. Hearing her say my name makes everything else immediately stop as all my attention is turned to her. Hearing her cry feels like someone is ripping my heart from my chest and I know I would do anything to make it better. I never knew I could love someone else’s little girl so much; and yet, I do. This child is a blessing. A clean slate. A perfect being. I can only hope her blended families find a way to “blend” better so that she may know what it is to feel loved twice as much, protected twice as fiercely, and accepted by twice as many people. I will never take part in make her feel like she “has to choose”. I will never make her feel torn. I will always respect her mother for being her mother and bringing this precious little person into the world. I will always treat her the same way as I will treat my own children some day. I will never make her feel left out or different or “like a step child”. She will always be shown love, adoration, empathy, respect, and compassion. She will always be accepted and treated as an equal. She will be told how much she is enough, is smart, is beautiful, is kind, is loved, is family. She will always be treated as one of my own, just as my second mom always treated me as one of her own. I only hope I can add to her life and never take away from it, in any way. I love you Bug; these are my promises to you. 

by Ashley Hebner

© All Rights Reserved 2016

8 thoughts on “My Promises To You

  1. This is beautiful ❤ Bug is lucky to have you. I don't think that I would be a fan of her mother either but I will say, at least she cares about your presence in her child's life. I am a stepkid too but my stepfather is much more of a parent than my biological one

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She doesn’t care about my presence. She doesn’t want me to be a presence in her life at all, purely out of spite and jealousy. She’s still holding onto a marriage she lost a year ago. But I am lucky to have Bug in my life 🙂 she’s a beautiful little girl and I’d do anything for her 🙂 including be civil and kind to her mother

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have no idea how much I can relate to this.
    My fiance and I were together 8 years ago, things happened and it didn’t work out, he got married and had a son, they got a divorce, we began dating and now we are expecting our first child together and will be getting married when the time is right. His son from his marriage is now 6 years old and I am in the same position as you. His mother keeps making it clear to my partner that SHE is the boys’ mother and he will always be HER baby. I know this. I would never try to take her place- but whether she likes it or not, I am here to stay. I want to make the best out of the situation but she won’t even MEET me. If I were her, and my child was spending time with another woman who will eventually be their Step Mother, I would want to meet her ASAP. No matter what your feelings are towards the person, they need to be pushed aside and coming up with the best way of co-parenting for the sake of the child is what is important. They are the priority, not your petty feelings. I hope one day it will work itself out but it has been months and I have not heard one kind word from her. I never thought I would have to worry about being the bigger person when it came to someone who is almost ten years older than me. I love her son, and that’s that. I understand her feelings of not wanting to be replaced but that is IMPOSSIBLE and not what I’m trying to do at all. Sigh. As you can see, this post hit very close to home to me, so I understand it all completely. I wish you all the very best of luck with everything!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel exactly the same way. My partners ex won’t meet me, didn’t want to see our home, nothing. How can she say that all these things she does are for the best of her child when she doesn’t even want to check me out? She has it in her head that I’m a home wrecking whore when I never even met him until after they separated. I put this child first. Period. Regardless of everything. That’s the way I believe it should be. I would be completely kind and civil towards her for Bug’s sake but she won’t even give co-parenting a chance. It’s all “that bitch better not do this or that with MY baby!” And so on and so forth.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. So I continue to not feed into her attacks and just do right by my partner and his daughter. I truly hope one day she can grow and heal past this bitter, resentful, blame game frame of mind she’s in. For the better of her life and her daughters. Hate only poisons the heart that holds it and someone who brought this baby into the world deserves better than that.

      Liked by 1 person

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