Are they ropey and purple pink,
healing to white or buried deep?
Do you have scars that people can see?
Or do you wear your wounds somewhere underneath?
It’s an absolute fact that everyone is wounded,
we live in a world where everything gets broken.
We all have our secrets, our battles, our scars,
we just wear them differently and that’s what makes them ours.
I remember as a kid I was obsessed with scars,
this physical flaw that showed you survived.
I guess I viewed them as notches in your belt,
things overcame, achievements in life.
I saw a beauty in the battle wound,
an imperfection that proved you overcame,
so I decided to make my own scars,
for all my different kinds of pain.
And as the razorblade became my friend,
making scars became intimate,
this kind of pain eased all the rest,
and I was in control of it.
But the people around me discovered my habit,
they knew my cuts were just a temporary bandage,
just a thing I used to catch my breath,
to numb the pain in a world of havoc.
I remember once, my mommy said,
“You’re going to regret those scars someday”,
she was mad I wouldn’t use ointment,
because I wanted the scars to stay.
I looked her dead in the eye,
and said “No I won’t, these are my story in my skin”,
they showed everything that I survived,
and I still remember what each one meant.
Now I’ve grown and I’m 25,
and I still don’t regret these faded white scars,
they show every fucking thing,
I ever survived, in spite of the odds.
It’s a rare thing that my mommy’s wrong,
but her love obscured the method to my madness,
cutting is obviously an unhealthy drug,
but I needed to show that I survived the damage.
Maybe I did it in a twisted way,
and it would break my heart to see my child that way,
but in that pit of my own pain,
it was the guiding light to the next better day.
It was a single breath,
in a world of suffocation,
the necessary medicine,
for a dying patient.
And your goddamn right I romanticize it,
because I gave me what therapy didn’t.
Now it’s been 10 years since I picked up a blade,
and I know I never will again,
but in that time where I needed something,
it was what I used to survive and maintain.
Not every cutter is trying to die,
some just need a little help to breathe,
something to relieve the building pressure,
and give their mind some sanity.
I don’t condone it though it served it’s purpose,
but in my growing I’ve changed my motives,
I longer wish to show that I lived,
now I just live the life I was given.
But I remember you to never forget,
everyone has their scars and baggage.
by Ashley Hebner
© All Rights Reserved 2016