Flare Ups & Fuck Ups

Chronic Illness, Chronic pain, drugs, Fibromyalgia, Healing, Health, Life, Life lessons, Love, Medicine, Pain, Relationships, Self acceptance, Writing

Hello fellow bloggers. So this is going to be a seemingly pointless rant session so feel free to run for the hills now…

Moving on, I am going through one bad ass mother fucker of a flare up. My clothes feel like sandpaper, the shower (which usually brings me comfort) feels like a million little needle pricks, and I’m so exhausted I forgot my own name for a second yesterday. I have Fibro Fog to thank for that. Not to mention the ever present, distracting as an old man in a leotard pain. Fuck me, right?

My love’s daughter is spending her first weekend with us in two weeks and we made plans to set her room up and paint it tomorrow. We made these plans earlier this week. But due to my Fibro Fog, lack of sleep, and pain I just completely forgot. It just slipped my mind in between trying to be a productive member of society and remember to not leave the house without pants… Or keys… Or shoes. So what did I do? Accidentally double booked myself. There’s a woman I’ve owed a tattoo for the better part of 3 1/2 years and we had made plans to do it yesterday. However, by the time I got off of work I was so utterly exhausted that I quickly text her and asked her if we could just reschedule for Sunday. I was then reminded about his daughter’s room. Her spending weekends here is a big deal for both of us. We’re both incredibly excited and have been waiting 7 months for this to happen. His ex wife is a control freak who has a resentment against me (for no other reason then I happen to exist) and created this restriction that he could only have his daughter at his parents house, purely because I live at ours. In an attempt to be the bigger person and give her time to heal, he agreed. And now, it’s finally over. No more packing up and splitting our lives twice a month. No more planning every other weekend around having to drive to another town. Now it’ll be he way it should’ve been from the beginning. And again, were ecstatic. 

And somehow, I forgot. 

Naturally, he got a little upset and feared this wasn’t as big of a deal for me as it is for him. But it is. This is just one example of how this thing wrong with my body can creep in and effect my relationship and even, my partner. Obviously it was an easy problem to fix and I did by rescheduling the tattoo. But it was still a frustrating thing. It amazes me how I can remember all the talks we had about setting the room up (painting it was my idea for fucks sake) and planning when we would do it; yet when I double booked, it just was not present in my mind. It just floated away into thin air regardless of the fact that it is massively important to me. 

Fuck You Fibromyalgia. 

I’ve started taking Magnesium Malleate because it’s supposed to help the pain and I’m trying to eat better. There’s of course still a steady flow of NSAID’s as well. But facts are, there’s probably more I could do but I need to get new doctors down here. I need to make the appointments on Monday. I spoke with my one doctor about it and expressed how I had lost all faith in doctors and he encouraged me to just try one more time. I agreed. I am not just choosing to suffer. But I also happen to know I’ve tried everything that’s ever been presented to me and have walked away with horrible side effects and a decreased quality of life instead of the intended increase. Needless to say, it’s maddening. And now I can’t feel my fingers anymore and I have to get ready for my day today; so this rant is over. Thanks for reading (whoever was actually enough of a masochist to make it this far :))

by Ashley Hebner

© All Rights Reserved 2016 

15 thoughts on “Flare Ups & Fuck Ups”

  1. Pingback: Morning Mindfulness- Smoking & Gratitude – Misfit Spirit

  2. My friend just lost all feeling in her foot and the doctors told her it was Fibro related…so scary! I hope you find relief soon. And I love the way you write/rant, I couldn’t stop reading!

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  3. For starters, I always read your posts! Secondly, we all need to vent sometimes…to our bestie, family member or here.
    Memory issues suck monkeys balls! I have no condition (that I know of) which affects mine. But I know the battle of forgetting something you really shouldn’t and how frustrating that is for everyone! Have you managed to look into how a low carb diet may help you? Not being pushy tho 😉😘

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      1. Hmmm, yes quitting sugar is bloody hard! First 3wks u crave constantly but it does ease off after then. My 💜 and I need to give up smoking (again!) but he needs to quit sugar too. He was meant to quit sugar a week ago, tried hard but has now decided to quit the smokes first. That’s how hard sugar is to quit 😁 Let me see if I can get some info from the groups I’m in re your condition and how it may help. Maybe a good news story or 2 of people in your circs will help get u through, just knowing there’s an actual light at the end for u ☺️😘

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        1. Thank you, that would be helpful 🙂 I truly can’t imagine my like without sugar lol. I put it in my coffee multiple times a day, I drink monster and other sugary drinks, I like sweet things,and I crave it all the time. But it’s SO BAD for you and for the pain and fatigue I have, I HAVE to try to remove it at least. I’m going to do it slowly though and try out different not refined sugars with stuff and then once I’m used to them restrict them down to only a few days a week too.

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          1. You know, you’ve been through some tough shit in your life. If u can win those challenges, u can do this too. I did a quick google last night, already found some worthy links for you. Want me to post here or do u have a Twitter account I can DM u on? 😘

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  4. Ok, I read it, I suppose I’m a masochist! Not really. I read it because I’m always attempting to understand what it could mean to not be healthy. Surrounded by people who hurt one way or another, I have nothing to give back except to listen, and to feel utter helplessness. I certainly would, or could, never say, “I feel your pain…” – that’s a shitty lie in any case. But I feel “something” uncomfortable, as if I should do something; as if there IS something I can do. So I thought I could at the very least read your rant, word by word instead of speed read, and allow myself to feel discomfort. I give you that: the discomfort I felt. Best I can do. I would wish you … better, but I’ve learned that wishes, luck, prayers… they’re just wind in the trees, tears in the rain. So may the discomfort I’m feeling be something temporarily at least taken from you for me to bear. I hope your time with your step-daughter is wonderful, paint or no paint on the walls. Just hang some stuff up on the walls, it’s her that matters, not the room. I’m glad I follow your blog, Ashley.

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    1. Thank you. I know it’s a common reaction for the loved ones of chronic pain sufferers to feel like they HAVE to do something but please let me tell you, you’re already doing it. When I’m in pain and it’s really bad or has been intense for long periods most of the time I just need to vent to someone who’s actually listening. I need to be able to say that I’m afraid it’s going to ruin my life again or that it’s never gonna go back to my “normal” level of pain when it gets really bad and all that you can do to help is truly listen and say “I’m here for you”. Sometimes little things like doing the dishes for someone or turning the coffee pot on for them (my man does this to make my mornings easier) can help them more than you know and mean so much. There’s nothing you can really physically do but you can be supportive and most of us just need that.

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