Morning Mindfulness- The Flow of Love

Today, I don’t have the words I need, to start this post and express my feelings. I’m a little bit fucked up today, with no real clue how to begin to say. When all of this first started, I swear you were not the man you are today. We’d hold each other for hours, lost in the flow of our warm embrace, and we would laugh at everything, as I sprinkled kisses on your face. They always say the beginning is the best, that when a couple is new its all smiles and pretense. But I still swear you and I were different.

Yet it feels like I cant breathe today. Like I’m suffocating under the weight of last night. I swore we’d never be this way, but I can’t get your words out of my mind. You know all the ways in which I’m damaged and yet last night still fucking happened. How could you take something so innocent and twist into something blackened? It was an benevolent joke, a simple question, and yet your thoughts attacked me, because you perceived it as something different. And the fact that all of this occurred within 2 minutes of our love, honestly makes me sick to my stomach.

You were “off” all day long, I don’t care what you say, grunts aren’t an answer when someone asks about your day. I could’ve had a better conversation, were I to talk to our bedroom wall. Something in you has started to break, or maybe you were never that man at all. All I know is I didn’t sign up for this, I committed to a man who was kind and honest. But that man is now rare to find, within the confines of your damaged mind. I’m perfectly aware, we’re all a little fucked up, I have no issue supporting you through the motions. But I won’t be the doormat you project your shit onto, I’m not hear to hurt you, only to love you. I signed up to be your partner, not your scapegoat. But all your blame has turned into rage, wrapped tightly around my throat.

I can’t believe you did that, switched speeds so fast I have whiplash. How can you go from a love so bold, to a silence that’s deafening, because it’s so cold? I told you from the beginning I wouldn’t coexist, we’re supposed to be partners, not co-habitants. I won’t pretend I’m okay when I know this silence is fake, we’ve fallen so far, we have to fix it or escape. I really can’t see any other way.

But I refuse to live this problem with you, either it breaks us or it’s something we work through. In the beginning, we talked about it all, regardless of if it was difficult. Why can’t we apply the same open minds, to our lives now that they’re not so simple? I happen to think you’re worth fighting for, but I can’t wage this war alone. So are you in this or are you gone? Because I can’t stand living in the unknown.

by Ashley Hebner

© All Rights Reserved 2016

 

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10 thoughts on “Morning Mindfulness- The Flow of Love

  1. Oh Ashley, hope things have improved at your end since you posted!
    A somewhat familiar situation has happened with my 💜, not too often in our almost 3yrs together. Here’s what I know:
    Book “men are from Mars, women are from venus” taught me a lot about how completely different us women are from the man species. Great book which had me wondering why we are all not gay as that would make relationships easier! Lol
    My 💜 gets a face, when he’s off in “man cave land”. Meaning, he has shit in his head, he ain’t worth communicating with (other than would u like a drink, dinners ready – basic safe comments here and there)
    It’s very hard not to internalise “man cave” (ie what did I do wrong, why won’t he talk to me) as this is how we deal with these moments, coz we are women. And we deal with shit in our head differently to men. We talk, we vent. The number of times I’ve said to my 💜 “talking helps” to which he says “not unless it’s going to solve the problem” (to which I think, sounds like a line from above mentioned book about how men think/talk)
    All in all, those moments hurt us, deeply. Men don’t get why (and often have to be told again and again why😉)
    Now if the bad moments out way the good, well that’s a whole other story. But if they are brief moments in between lots of good stuff, I say read the book and then explain the bits you learn to him (my 💜 has been saying he needs to read the book since I started bringing it up, but he still hasn’t!)
    Hope my comments aren’t too full on (or pushy☺️)
    Amy💕

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    1. Not at all. You were (are) great. That’s pretty much what happened. We aren’t getting the quality time together that we used to because we both work so much and when we come home we want to decompress. But not getting that time and having a rough month with his ex nightmare of a wife mixed with having to spend every other weekend apart bc of his visitation with his daughter makes for a testy situation. I felt like he just wasn’t present and then when he was it was short lived. The good times definitely outweigh the bad but last night was just one of those time where 10 different things came together in the perfect way for it to blow up in our faces. Fun fun. We talked a little and it’s getting better though.

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      1. Time apart and nightmare ex partners are definite stress triggers… Yuck! Glad to hear good out ways the bad, been in those relationships where it’s the opposite and that’s just no fun. And very happy to hear you guys are already over the worst of this disagreement 😘

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    1. I am. Thank you 🙂 he reads this occasionally. I’ve actually been fighting with myself about whether or not to delete it. I’m not one to put someone else’s personal info on the Internet and while this isn’t all that much I still haven’t decided how I feel about it. I was just in pain and needed to get it out.

      Liked by 1 person

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