Today, I don’t have the words I need, to start this post and express my feelings. I’m a little bit fucked up today, with no real clue how to begin to say. When all of this first started, I swear you were not the man you are today. We’d hold each other for hours, lost in the flow of our warm embrace, and we would laugh at everything, as I sprinkled kisses on your face. They always say the beginning is the best, that when a couple is new its all smiles and pretense. But I still swear you and I were different.
Yet it feels like I cant breathe today. Like I’m suffocating under the weight of last night. I swore we’d never be this way, but I can’t get your words out of my mind. You know all the ways in which I’m damaged and yet last night still fucking happened. How could you take something so innocent and twist into something blackened? It was an benevolent joke, a simple question, and yet your thoughts attacked me, because you perceived it as something different. And the fact that all of this occurred within 2 minutes of our love, honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
You were “off” all day long, I don’t care what you say, grunts aren’t an answer when someone asks about your day. I could’ve had a better conversation, were I to talk to our bedroom wall. Something in you has started to break, or maybe you were never that man at all. All I know is I didn’t sign up for this, I committed to a man who was kind and honest. But that man is now rare to find, within the confines of your damaged mind. I’m perfectly aware, we’re all a little fucked up, I have no issue supporting you through the motions. But I won’t be the doormat you project your shit onto, I’m not hear to hurt you, only to love you. I signed up to be your partner, not your scapegoat. But all your blame has turned into rage, wrapped tightly around my throat.
I can’t believe you did that, switched speeds so fast I have whiplash. How can you go from a love so bold, to a silence that’s deafening, because it’s so cold? I told you from the beginning I wouldn’t coexist, we’re supposed to be partners, not co-habitants. I won’t pretend I’m okay when I know this silence is fake, we’ve fallen so far, we have to fix it or escape. I really can’t see any other way.
But I refuse to live this problem with you, either it breaks us or it’s something we work through. In the beginning, we talked about it all, regardless of if it was difficult. Why can’t we apply the same open minds, to our lives now that they’re not so simple? I happen to think you’re worth fighting for, but I can’t wage this war alone. So are you in this or are you gone? Because I can’t stand living in the unknown.
by Ashley Hebner
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