I haven’t written one of these posts in a little under a week or so. I try to write at least one thing a day. However, this week has been insanely busy and I’ve needed to be at work earlier each day. When I come home my S.O. wants to spend time with me, as we already get very little time together, and shortly after that, its bedtime. So time has been a hot commodity these days. I’m not sure what to write about this morning so y’all will just have to come along for the ride with me. I’m currently sitting on my front step listening to the bird’s songs and enjoying the sun keeping me warm. I’m very much looking forward to the weather being in the predicted 80’s all week (should that actually happen) and I can’t wait to head to work in a little and jam out to some good tunes with the windows down and wind in my face. That painted picture is my little slice of heaven on mornings like this where I’m convinced my body is out to kill me.
Everything hurts. The Molotov Cocktail of not enough sleep, bad posture, and too few NSAID’s has caught up with me this week. I work as an Admin Assistant, so I’m constantly writing, typing, and making phone calls. While doing so I’m generally hunched over or sitting in any other ridiculous position that feels half decent at the time. But God do I pay for it later! My neck is all tweaked out from hours spent on the phone and in front of a laptop. Those tweaked muscles are shooting headaches up to my foggy, sleep deprived brain and my back feels like it’s on fire. That came from a combination of how it always feels and my new working conditions. So yes, a Molotov cocktail.
Nonetheless, I’m in a pretty great mood, writing with my companions, a mug of (amazing) 8 O’Clock Coffee and my cigarettes, on this beautiful March morning. Soon I’ll go inside, take a handful of NSAID’s, get ready for my day, and head to work. I’ll get to have my mini music session in the car and get to the job that I love and am overwhelmingly grateful for. I’ll do whatever work is needed of me today, hopefully get out in time for my home group (a meeting you commit to attending once a week and help run) and I’ll head there right from work. That will be followed by heading home, downing whatever food I have the energy to make, taking a shower, and going to bed at a reasonable hour.
I’ve been meaning to do that last one since Sunday night. It hasn’t worked out so far and boy, I am paying for it. I’ve never been too good at sleeping. I was diagnosed with insomnia at the tender age of 12 because I was going days in a row without a wink of sleep and did so often. Throughout the years, I’ve cycled between between these periods where I don’t sleep at all and other times where I do sleep but am up every other hour, feeling more awake and alert than I ever have after rising in the morning. It’s a joy. I’d rather not sleep than be up and down all night. The up and down gives me anxiety. Every time my body betrays me and I wake up again I know that it’s going to take forever to fall back asleep, I get worried that I’ll spend hours staring at the ceiling which then inevitably turns into me spending hours staring at the ceiling. I’ve tried a million and one things for this charming little annoyance. Melatonin (never worked), Benadryl (has occasionally helped me stay asleep but not get there in the first place), Seroquel (worked for awhile then stopped), Klonopin (useless), Ambien (beyond useless), Sleepytime Tea (tasty but not effective), Sleepytime Extra Tea (same as the Benadryl), Valerian Root (nope), counting sheep (seriously, fuck you), creating a story in my head to fall asleep to (cool dreams, IF I slept), meditating (somewhat effective, sometimes), praying, every method of changing my sleep schedule that you could imagine, staying up for days on end in an attempt to make my body crash and give me one good night’s rest, and lastly, getting absolutely, unforgivably shitfaced. That one worked but alas, I’m clean now and don’t drink! Haha!
End result? I’m fucking tired all the time! And feel like there’s no solution. It’s rare I go days on end without sleeping anymore and has been since I hit 18-19 but with fibromyalgia, the sleep I get is rarely restful. Occasionally, I’ll get a really good night’s sleep and I’ve yet to find what causes this. Some mystery I have yet to uncover. So until I do I just try to function and drink a lot of caffeine. Before you go off saying that the caffeine keeps me up let me inform you, I thought of that. I cut out every single kind of caffeine for 3 miserable years and it changed NOTHING. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was more exhausted and cranky as fuck!
So, the search for good sleep and pain relief continues. My WordPress just crashed and when I finally got it to reopen it had posted this (better than deleting it I suppose) so now some of you may be reading a version of this that doesn’t have the end piece in it as there’s a posted one already up as I type this little closing. Oh well. Thanks WordPress. Regardless, have a great day everyone 🙂 I know I’ll be trying to.
Much love XOX
by Ashley Hebner
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Featured image courtesy of http://lazzaropisu.com/insomnia-hypnosis-session/