Morning Mindfulness

How’s it going WordPress? Life is okay over here. I woke up with a vicious headache and now I’m doing the coffee/NSAID shuffle in an attempt to find the cause of why I’m feeling like my brain is swelling out of my head. It’s lovely. Hopefully ya’ll can successfully sense sarcasm or this is going to be a rough start to our relationship. I don’t have much in particular on the mind today aside from worrying about a dear friend of mine. We’ll call her Taco for the sake of anonymity. Taco has really, really been going through it lately. She’s just had one thing after another dumped  her. Being as she’s a recovering addict and someone I love, I’m quite worried about her. That has to be one of the worst parts of staying clean for a decent amount of time. You have to watch people you know and love struggle, occasionally relapse, and sometimes die. I’m worried Taco’s going to relapse. She’s had so much happen that I know she has to be in that place where she’s wondering why she got clean in the first place. I’ve been there. If the proper steps aren’t taken an addict can end up painting themselves into a corner that they’ll have a hard time making it out of clean.

It’s a common theme. Why do the good ones struggle while the assholes have it easy? I remember this used to bother me, especially when I first got clean. The drug dealers could pay their bills and I could barely afford to eat. It’s frustrating, to say the least. You work so hard to remain clean and everything goes fantastic for a little while… Then it happens. Life on life’s terms. Some utter bullshit, generally completely out of your control. So all you can do is not get high and try to keep a hold of your sanity. It’s truly a tragedy. Being clean for almost 3 years I have seen more people relapse then I’ve seen honestly dedicate themselves to their new way of life. I’ve buried more than ten (just in the last 3 years). Out of the group of people who got clean around the same time I did only one girl is still clean; two if you include me. From that specific group 1 is on her 3rd try (which is okay because at least she’s trying), 3 are dead, 2 are in jail, and 2 have lost their fucking minds. God only knows how many more are using. It’s a really sad thing and an unfortunate fact to face that most of these people who come in, that other recovering addicts (myself included) spend their time with and try to teach will inevitably end up high and/or dead. It’s hard to not get jaded. It’s hard to keep faith. It’s hard when your stuck with addiction as a competitor.

Random Poem Time

Today I want to talk about addiction, or more so what it’s like to watch it. I’ve known many years of this hell, but now the time has come to talk about it. I’ve written many words on this subject, as I hold it close to my heart. But today this heart is heavy, seeing so many addicts fall apart. I see so many people cycle in and out of the rooms. Every now and then, one sticks out; and praying for them is all you can do. You know they’re to face the hardest of battles, one fought within the confines of the mind. And after years of seeing relapse, it’s hard not to get jaded sometimes. You try to help them, lend them wisdom, but sometimes nothing is enough. So you watch another relapse, and most times that’s the last their heard of.

If addiction was a person, surely it would be the devil. How else can you really reckon, with something that’s out to kill and level? I once heard that watching an addict use, is like watching a plane crash, full of people you knew. And really, I completely agree, because there’s nothing like praying for death to set them free. Have you ever seen pain that great? That you’d pray for their death because it’s a better fate? Because I’ve witnessed this massacre my whole fucking life, people trapped within the confines of their minds.

There’s only two ways out of addiction, in a casket or getting clean. When dealing with this deadly affliction, your chances are numbered and a touchy thing. You do one thing wrong, or mess up even a single time, and the next time your family sees you, it’s to claim your body and cry in a line. So please, I beg you, don’t fucking do this. There is an answer, but only you can choose it.

 

Sorry this is so all over the place guys. I’d clean it up but I have to get ready for work… Like 20 minutes ago. Have a great day everyone!!

by Ashley Hebner

© All Rights Reserved 2016

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