Morning Mindfulness

I’m attempting to spend a little bit of time, every morning, sitting down and just writing before I start my day. Generally mornings are not a good time for me because everything hurts, I’ve slept like shit, and I just want real life to GO. THE. FUCK. AWAY.

However, it hasn’t been like that recently. I’m in the middle of a flare up yet, I’m more positive than I have been in months; I’m sleeping better than I have in a really, really long time AND I actually woke up in a good mood this morning. If I walk out my front door and pigs are flying, I will not be surprised. I’m trying to figure out what exactly I did that caused this so I can continue it and the only thing I can figure is that getting this new job alleviated so much stress, even beyond what I knew was there, that now I simply feel lighter. I also have something to look forward to each day aside from my amazing partner coming home at night. I’ve always been the type to work. I’ve worked since I was 13 and any time I didn’t I always felt stir crazy and unproductive. You can imagine that these qualities in a chronic pain sufferer are not good, to say the least. So the last 7 years of my life have been an attempt to find a job I love, that also doesn’t kill me physically. Now that I have it, it almost doesn’t seem real. I keep expecting my boss to call me and say he doesn’t need me anymore. That’s just my “it’s too good to be true” mentality coming out though.

So, I’m staying positive. I’m going to do the best job I can, enjoy every last second of it, and write daily so my life doesn’t become all work and no play. Aside from that, I’m coming up on 3 years clean in 33 days!! I’m beyond excited. I think I’m so excited for this anniversary because this last year was quite a struggle. I fucking earned this year man. In the last 1 year and 2 months I have healed from a car crash that should’ve killed me, had just returned to work when I then ended a 5 year relationship, had to move out of my home in the city I had just moved to, ended up living with a girl I barely knew; who then relapsed and lost her damn mind. Moved out of there and in with another friend as I was still trying to regain my financial independence after the move, car crash, and break up; and they ended up having bed bugs, which then reacted with my weakened immune system and made me really, really sick. So then I spent 2 months spending the night with various friends and my foster mom. During this time I met Ryan. Imagine how I felt meeting someone as put together as I normally am when I didn’t so much as have somewhere to sleep at night. Awesome. But he didn’t judge me and he could tell I wasn’t the person that my circumstances recommended. After all of this I then moved in with my foster mom when the pressure of never knowing where I was going to sleep became too much. She gave me the safe haven and bit of time I needed to get on my feet again. So I got a new job, was making decent money, and got a place with my boyfriend. All was well in the world. Then my boss became really abusive and I was forced to quit. Very stressful, if you can imagine, as I had just signed a new lease. But I hit the streets and was hired somewhere new within 4 days. Problem was, the money was terrible! And I mean “couldn’t support a 16 year old’s pot habit” terrible. So the job search began again, all the while I’m getting less and less shifts because they keep hiring on too many people. This went on with me being unable to help with bills for 4 months.

The biggest issue with this is that my addict brain used my inability to financially support myself as a playground. It says “hey, you can sell drugs and not do them” or “you’re never going to make it. You’re finally in a good situation but it’s doomed; don’t get used to it.” So needless to say, it’s been a stressful time. Yet I didn’t use, I didn’t sell drugs, and I didn’t lose my mind, completely anyway. So in the last year (plus) I’ve moved to a new county and city, mended a broken heart, lost myself, found myself, went through immense amounts of physical pain, worked 3 different jobs, found an amazing partner, and moved around. The whole time unable to understand why all these things were happening while I was trying so hard to do the next right thing for the next right reason and be a good person.

In conclusion, God, a high power, whatever, gives the toughest battles to the strongest souls. I took each new challenge and overcame it in the best way I know how. Which is by gritting my teeth and just doing it, regardless of my feelings, physical condition, or life situation. And today, I have a beautiful life. I get to write almost whenever I want, I have a supportive, loving partner who truly understands me, a home I feel safe and secure in, and a job that I absolutely love. I can go to the grocery store and buy food when I’m hungry. This is a luxury I will never take for granted. I have a car which I own and runs properly (most of the time) and that’s another luxury I’ll never take for granted, as it was the hardest thing for me to keep in my active addiction. My health is okay and I CAN FUNCTION most days without wanting to eat a bullet; which may not sound like much, but to me, is everything. And I’m excited to see what else life has to offer instead of dreading it with clenched fists. So yeah, it’s a good life WordPress. It’ll do love, it’ll do 🙂

difficult roads

by Ashley Hebner

© All Rights Reserved 2016


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